It's really difficult to shop for yourself,为自己购物真的很难。
to honour your needs to walk away from people and situations that bring you尊重自己的需求，远离那些给你带来
despair when you lack self-respect.绝望的人和事，当你缺乏自尊时。
Your way of dealing with things is that you betray and你处理事情的方式是背叛和
abandon yourself as long as it doesn't cost you connections放弃自己，只要不让你失去人际关系。
or whatever it is you're holding on to.或者无论你坚持的是什么。
But the reward for breaking your own heart will always be the reinforcement of whatever feelings of worthlessness,但伤透自己心的回报，总是强化那些无价值感。
you battle, you hold.你抗争，你坚持。
It's a vicious cycle.这是一个恶性循环。
Because when you feel worthless or valueless,因为当你感到毫无价值或没有价值时。
it's almost inevitable that you become someone who will do anything to make that你几乎不可避免地会变成一个愿意做任何事来让那种感觉消失的人。
No matter how tempering,无论多么磨练人心。
no matter how unstable or unsustainable it is,无论它多么不稳定或不可持续。
you keep wounding yourself and in some cases you你不断伤害自己，在某些情况下你
keep wounding other people just to experience these fleeting moments of enoughness.不断伤害他人，只为体验那些转瞬即逝的满足感。
But thankfully, the beautiful thing about self-respect.但幸运的是，自尊的美好之处在于。
And a lot of all the other self related concepts is that the actions that以及所有其他与自我相关的概念，其关键在于，那些行动
build them are also the actions构建它们的行动也正是那些行动
So you just have to be willing to show up and do what is required.所以你只需要愿意出现并做需要做的事情。
Let's get into it.让我们开始吧。
Stage one, refrain.第一阶段，克制。
As I've said before, you cannot heal what you refuse to identify.正如我之前所说，你无法治愈你拒绝识别的东西。
It can be so hard to know which habits diminish your sense of worth when当...时，很难知道哪些习惯会削弱你的自我价值感。
you have no point of reference,你没有参考点。
but here's my litmus test.但这是我的试金石。
Think of someone so precious to you.想一个对你来说非常珍贵的人。
If you don't have someone like that, that's okay. Use your imagination.如果你没有这样的人，也没关系。用你的想象力。
Think of your dream best friend.想想你梦想中的最好的朋友。
You know, your dream partner.你知道的，你的理想伴侣。
Your dream lover, your dream family because I know a lot of us have these dreams in our heads.你的梦中情人，你的理想家庭，因为我知道我们很多人脑子里都有这些梦想。
Now think of a normal calm moment with that person, not a moment of heightened emotion.现在想象一下和那个人在一起的平常平静时刻，而不是情绪高涨的时刻。
This person is telling you detailed stories about their life and relationships and这个人正在给你讲述关于他们生活和人际关系的详细故事。
by relationships I mean all types, not just我所说的关系是指所有类型，不仅仅是
They share their experiences but as they talk他们分享自己的经历，但随着他们交谈，
You realize that those experiences reflect exactly the way you live your life,你意识到那些经历恰恰反映了你生活的方式。
the way you interact with both yourself and others.你与自己以及他人互动的方式。
How does that make you feel?那让你感觉如何？
Is it joy or is there some shame coming up?这是喜悦，还是有一些羞耻感浮现出来？
Are you excited for them or does it make you sad?你为他们感到兴奋，还是这让你感到悲伤？
Are you suddenly wistful?你是否突然感到惆怅？
If a newborn came into that life, would you wish them those experiences?如果一个新生儿进入那样的生活，你会希望他们拥有那些经历吗？
Would it be a blessing or a curse?这会是祝福还是诅咒？
If all your answers are positive, congratulations, this video may not be for you.如果你的所有答案都是肯定的，那么恭喜你，这个视频可能不适合你。
But if your answers are negative,但如果你的答案是否定的。
then you've learned that you're doing things to yourself or allowing things to be done那么你就明白了，你正在对自己做一些事情，或者允许一些事情被做
to you that you wouldn't want done to those you love.那些你不想发生在你所爱之人身上的事情。
So buckle in. What are the things you identified in the test we just did?所以，系好安全带。你在我们刚才做的测试中发现了哪些事情？
In what ways have you been disregarding yourself?你在哪些方面忽视了自己？
Do you stay in bad relationships?你是否停留在糟糕的关系中？
Do you hang out with people who clearly don't like you and who you sometimes don't even like?你是否和那些明显不喜欢你、甚至你有时也不喜欢的人混在一起？
But you stay just to avoid being alone.但你留下来只是为了避免孤独。
Are you overly self-critical?你是否过于自我批评？
In constant social comparison, denying your values to gain social acceptance?在不断的社会比较中，为了获得社会认可而否定自己的价值观？
Do you do just about anything for attention?你会为了吸引注意而几乎做任何事吗？
People pleasing, having no boundaries, breaking the ones that you have, going against your gut instinct, seeking codependency?讨好他人、没有界限、打破你已有的界限、违背直觉、寻求相互依赖？
And let me address this while I can.让我趁现在还能做到的时候来谈谈这个问题。
There's this rhetoric in our society where people who aren't in life-threatening situations在我们的社会中存在这样一种论调，那些没有处于生命危险境地的人
loyalty as reasons for staying with people or in spaces that忠诚作为留在那些人或空间里的理由，这些
continue to chip away at their humanity,持续侵蚀他们的人性。
their light and their spirit.他们的光芒和精神。
And when you challenge that idea, they tell you that you don't know anything about love.当你质疑那个想法时，他们会告诉你，你对爱一无所知。
And I think to myself, how can it be love when he excludes you?我心想，当他把你排除在外时，这怎么能是爱呢？
How can it be love when it excludes you?当它把你排除在外时，这怎么能是爱呢？
And then some people cite loneliness and I think to myself, but you're still lonely.然后有些人提到孤独，我心想，但你仍然孤独。
You are surrounded but deeply lonely.你被包围着，却深感孤独。
We wouldn't be having this conversation if you weren't.如果你不是这样，我们就不会进行这场对话。
It's cognitive dissonance.这是认知失调。
So be honest with yourself, there are so many things that we do to abandon ourselves.所以对自己诚实一点，我们做了太多事情来抛弃自己。
I advise you to be very honest with this step,我建议你对这一步要非常诚实。
because it really helps a lot with the next step of因为它对下一步非常有帮助。
reframing, which is to address the void.重新框架化，即要解决这个空白。
The things you identified earlier are just symptoms of something deeper.你之前识别出的那些事情只是更深层问题的症状。
There's a void you are trying to fill with all these things.有一个你试图用所有这些事情来填补的空白。
But the problem is that with every action of self abandonment, you are only widening that void.但问题是，每一次自我放弃的行为，你只是在扩大那个空白。
I believe almost every single case of self disrespect points to one thing.我相信几乎每一个不尊重自己的案例都指向同一件事。
You are looking for a home outside of yourself.你在自身之外寻找一个家。
You are looking for acceptance, love and safety in other people when you haven't given it to yourself.你在他人身上寻找接纳、爱和安全感，而你自己却没有给予自己这些。
And that's very risky because there are so many things that mimic love, safety and acceptance.这非常危险，因为有很多东西会模仿爱、安全感和接纳。
How can you tell the difference if you don't know what you are looking for?如果你不知道自己在寻找什么，你怎么能分辨出区别呢？
And before you bring up that在你提出那个之前
one person that you know who fell in love even though they hated themselves and一个你认识的、即使讨厌自己却坠入爱河的人。
it all worked out, well, they are the exception.一切都很顺利，好吧，他们是例外。
By virtue of that, they cannot be the rule.正因为如此，他们不能成为常规。
Yes, being loved by other people is beautiful and necessary and irreplaceable in many ways,是的，被他人爱在很多方面是美好、必要且不可替代的。
but it cannot feel the emptiness但它无法填补空虚。
That's why you keep ending up with counterfeet love,这就是为什么你总是以虚假的爱情告终。
toxic situations because people who love themselves will not break themselves down有毒的环境，因为爱自己的人不会把自己击垮
just to love you back to health.只是为了用爱让你恢复健康。
So it's not that they don't understand love, it's that they also love themselves.所以不是他们不懂爱，而是他们也爱自己。
They do not exclude themselves from the list of people they care about.他们不会把自己排除在关心的人名单之外。
Healthy people want healthy relationships and will not stay if they realize that their love is your life line.健康的人想要健康的关系，如果他们意识到他们的爱是你的生命线，就不会留下来。
But toxic people want to be a lifeline.但有毒的人想要成为一条生命线。
So no matter what they do, you feel like you have nowhere to go.所以无论他们做什么，你都觉得无处可去。
When you create a home within yourself,当你在自己内心建立一个家时。
you can leave spaces that aren't safe because you know you always have somewhere你可以离开那些不安全的场所，因为你知道你总有一个地方
to return to. You know you can always just come home to yourself.可以回去。你知道你总能回到自己的内心家园。
Just like you wouldn't let anyone, just anyone into your physical home.就像你不会让任何人，随便什么人进入你的实体家一样。
You must also be careful about what, about who you let into your inner world.你也必须小心，关于什么，关于你让谁进入你的内心世界。
You don't stay in bad relationships,你不会停留在糟糕的关系中。
you don't fear disappointing people because you know that when you get home,你不害怕让别人失望，因为你知道当你回到家时。
to live with the consequences of disappointing yourself, of breaking your own heart.承受让自己失望、伤自己心的后果。
The only way to feel the void is by feeling it with yourself.感受空虚的唯一方式就是与自己一起感受它。
If you believe in the divine, in the supernatural, you can add that,如果你相信神性、超自然力量，你可以加上那些。
but even then it's still you, just with但即便如此，那仍然是你，只是带着
You must accept that the healing love you've been looking for desperately in other people,你必须接受，你一直在别人身上拼命寻找的治愈之爱。
searching for in other people, is you.在别人身上寻找的，就是你自己。
So if you want real, if you want anything remotely healthy,所以，如果你想要真实的，如果你想要任何稍微健康的东西。
you must be willing to step into that void, to你必须愿意踏入那片虚空，去
sit there, to listen, to get to know every nook and cranny, every curve. Stop running.坐在那里，去倾听，去了解每一个角落和缝隙，每一条曲线。停止奔跑。
Allow yourself to step into that darkness to sit in that scary silence.允许自己踏入那片黑暗，坐在那可怕的寂静中。
Allow yourself to hit rock bottom because when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up.允许自己跌入谷底，因为当你跌入谷底时，唯一的出路就是向上。
The amount of internal knots that can be untied if you stop distracting yourself with people and things.如果你停止用人和事分散自己的注意力，内心有多少结可以被解开。
If you stop escaping the pain and discomfort and sat with watch hurts, healing feels like death.如果你停止逃避痛苦和不适，而是坐下来观察伤痛，愈合的感觉就像死亡。
I'm sorry, but this love and light thing is not true.抱歉，但这种爱与光的东西不是真的。
It's love and light later, but it feels like death.后来是爱与光，但感觉像死亡。
It hurts more than what hurt you.它比伤害你的东西更痛。
Accidents happen in a split second, but they can take years to recover from. Address your void.事故发生在瞬间，但可能需要数年才能恢复。面对你的空虚。
I can tell you to do affirmations我可以告诉你做肯定语练习
and to stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself and say one million times,并且站在镜子前，看着自己说一百万次。
this and that and that,这个那个之类的。
and that everything will work out.并且一切都会好起来的。
But that's like putting lipstick on the pig.但那就像给猪涂口红一样。
Where you address the cause, the symptoms disappear.当你解决根本原因时，症状就会消失。
Learning to love and respect yourself isn't a fairy tale, at least not at first.学会爱自己和尊重自己并不是童话故事，至少一开始不是。
It's ugly, lonely, messy, it's a choice, it's action, it's questioning, examining and learning from the pain.它是丑陋的、孤独的、混乱的，它是一种选择，是行动，是质疑、审视并从痛苦中学习。
Athletes go through so much hell in training to show up effortlessly in their chosen discipline, effortlessly.运动员在训练中经历如此多的地狱般的磨难，才能在他们选择的领域中毫不费力地展现自己，毫不费力。
They deny themselves so much to get the results we see.他们为了得到我们看到的成果，对自己克制了那么多。
You want self-love, you want self-respect, you want self-confidence, you want to rebuild your self-esteem,你想要自爱，你想要自尊，你想要自信，你想要重建你的自尊心。
but you don't want to deal但你不想处理
with the sacrifice it requires.它所需的牺牲。
This is into shame you.这让你感到羞耻。
I'm just waking you up to the requirements.我只是在让你意识到这些要求。
Anyone who tells you that building self-worth and self-love is all candles and任何告诉你建立自我价值和自爱全是蜡烛和
bubble baths is trying to sell you something.泡泡浴的人，都是在试图向你推销什么。
It can be a part of it, but you can't base while drowning.它可以是其中的一部分，但你不能在溺水时建立基础。
It's time to build a love story with yourself, where you are your own hero.是时候与自己建立一段爱情故事了，在那里你是自己的英雄。
Yeah, your own friend, where your opinion of you matters most.是的，你自己的朋友，在那里你对自己的看法最重要。
The thought of breaking your own heart should make you want to tear out your hair.想到要伤自己的心，应该会让你抓狂。
It should be that visual. Yes.它应该那么形象。是的。
It can be scary to face that void, but trust me, it's where your greatest power lies.面对那片空虚可能很可怕，但相信我，那里正是你最大力量所在。
That discomfort is temporary, but the strength you build lasts.那种不适是暂时的，但你建立的力量会持久。
So take five minutes today to sit in silence and所以今天花五分钟静坐。
just reflect on the areas of your life where you're just反思一下你生活中那些你只是在
distracting yourself, numbing yourself to avoid what you're carrying.分散自己的注意力，麻木自己，以避免你所背负的东西。
What are you using people, vices, adrenaline, money, status?你在利用什么？人、恶习、肾上腺素、金钱、地位？
Write those things down because you need it for stage two, which is, rebuild.把这些写下来，因为你在第二阶段需要它，那就是重建。
Open your notes app or get your pen on the paper and write out your values and non-negotiables.打开你的笔记应用，或者拿起笔在纸上写下你的价值观和不可妥协的事项。
Not who is non-negotiable.不是谁是不可妥协的。
But what is non-negotiable?但什么是不可妥协的呢？
Because when it's a watch, it doesn't matter who. Look within yourself.因为当它是一块手表时，谁并不重要。审视自己的内心。
Think about the kind of life you want to live.思考你想要过什么样的生活。
Forget about how you will race.忘记你将如何比赛。
Only take what matters and create your own value system.只带走重要的东西，并建立你自己的价值体系。
If you're struggling to know what is right for you, you can't start with what is wrong.如果你在努力弄清楚什么对你来说是正确，你就不能从错误开始。
You know these things.你知道这些事情。
Yes, you know what is killing you.是的，你知道是什么在折磨你。
You know what you are sick of. You know what you are tired of. Your body keeps score.你知道你厌倦什么。你知道你疲惫什么。你的身体在记录。
The opposite or alternative to those things can make it into your creed.那些事物的反面或替代品可以成为你的信条。
Sit down and do some deep self-reflection.坐下来进行一些深刻的自我反思。
Ask and answer the hard questions.提出并回答那些艰难的问题。
In a reality where I am safe, loved, seen, abundant and healthy, what kind of person am I?在一个我安全、被爱、被看见、富足且健康的现实中，我会是什么样的人？
What do I do right now that will hinder the life I see in my mind's eye?我现在做的哪些事会阻碍我心中所见的那个生活？
Do I want only momentary highs or do I want sustainable joy?我是只想要短暂的快感，还是想要持久的喜悦？
Why do I admire the people that admire?为什么我钦佩那些钦佩别人的人？
Are there words admiring who has culture convinced me that I have to admire them?是否有那些钦佩有文化之人的话语让我相信我必须钦佩他们？
I don't think there's a wrong or right way to right creates by the way to your life,我不认为存在一种错误或正确的方式来正确创造你的人生之路。
core, do what you want.核心是，做你想做的事。
As long as you're not infringing on anyone's human rights只要你不侵犯任何人的人权
or hurting anyone, just make sure it's true to who you are or who you want to become.或者伤害任何人，只要确保它忠于你现在的自己或你想成为的人。
After you've written all of this, it's time to purge.在你写完所有这些之后，是时候清除了。
Now I know this sounds a bit scary, but I'm going to explain.现在我知道这听起来有点吓人，但我会解释。
This is where you take inventory of all your habits and your relationships, including the one you have with yourself.这就是你盘点所有习惯和人际关系的地方，包括你与自己的关系。
This is where it gets real because the inventory will be tested or measured against your creed,这就是事情变得真实的地方，因为这份清单将根据你的信条进行检验或衡量。
your value system which你的价值体系。
you just created, and anything that does not match, anything that does not fit that system must go.你刚刚创建的，任何不匹配的、任何不适合该体系的东西都必须去掉。
But it doesn't have to happen all at once, so breathe, you can start small,但这不必一次性完成，所以深呼吸，你可以从小处开始。
one relationship at a time, one一次只处理一段关系，一次只处理一个
one at a time, but the goal is to make sure that at the end of it all,一次一个，但目标是确保在这一切结束时。
everything that does所有那些确实（存在或发生）的事情
not match your creed is taken off the plate. Purge them.不符合你信条的东西就会被移除。清除它们。
Remember, the things that build self-respect are also the things that prove it.记住，那些建立自尊的事情也正是证明自尊的事情。
So if you value safety, softness, and consideration,所以，如果你重视安全感、温柔和体贴。
you'll work to give that to yourself and won't be found in relationships你会努力把那些给予自己，并且不会出现在那些
that don't give it to you.不给予你这些的关系中。
If you value commitment, you cannot be in situations.如果你重视承诺，你就不能置身于某些情境中。
No matter how lonely you feel,无论你感到多么孤独。
because you know that while you may feel good for the first two weeks as因为你知道，尽管在头两周你可能会感觉良好，就像
he always does, you're about to go through a necessary hell or while still feeling very lonely.他总那样，你即将经历一段必要的地狱般的时期，或者仍然感到非常孤独。
So you wait both and pick your poison. Plus, how can you find commitment when所以你两者都等待，然后选择你的毒药。另外，当……时，你怎么能找到承诺呢？
someone who has no desire to commit to you is taking up undeserved real一个不想对你做出承诺的人，正在占据你生命中不应得的空间。
estate in your life? I ask.你生命中的空间？我问。
If you value presence, then you have to be present.如果你重视在场，那么你就必须到场。
You can't keep escaping all the moments of your life with vices.你不能一直用恶习逃避生活中的所有时刻。
You have to live by your creed.你必须按照自己的信条生活。
Not my creed, your creed, okay?不是我的信条，是你的信条，明白吗？
That's why I said write it down so you know what you're living by and why you are doing it.这就是为什么我说要把它写下来，这样你就知道自己在遵循什么以及为什么这么做。
It's on you, not on me. Okay?这取决于你，而不是我。明白吗？
It's time to walk away from anything that no longer serves you,是时候远离那些不再对你有益的事物了。
including the version of yourself that is holding you back.包括那个拖你后腿的版本的自己。
The life you want, the person you want to be will cost you the person you are right now.你想要的生活、你想成为的人，会让你付出现在的自己的代价。
This step is not easy at all, but it's pretty simple.这一步一点也不容易，但却相当简单。
Just choose one thing from your list that you can start purging today.只需从你的清单中选择一件你今天就可以开始清除的事情。
Once more action that reflects your new creed, just one thing can begin your transformation.再多一个反映你新信条的行动，仅仅一件事就能开启你的转变。
And now, Drum roll.现在，请击鼓。
To the final stage, retain.进入最后阶段，保持。
There are levels to everything.万事万物都有层次。
A master was once a beginner and the beginner can become a master.大师曾经也是初学者，而初学者也可以成为大师。
Also, if a master doesn't continue perfecting or sharpening their skill set, they might risk going back to the beginning.此外，如果大师不继续完善或磨炼自己的技能，他们可能会面临回到起点的风险。
That is not a shameful sin, as long as we're willing to keep at it.那并不是可耻的罪过，只要我们愿意坚持下去。
The point is, the more you show self-respect, the lower your tolerance for bullcrap is.关键是，你越表现出自尊，你对胡言乱语的容忍度就越低。
The more you show self-respect, the lower your tolerance for ball crap becomes.你越表现出自尊，你对胡言乱语的容忍度就越低。
Actions of self-respect lead to more actions of self-respect and honestly gratitude for the life you are creating.自尊的行为会带来更多自尊的行为，以及对你正在创造的生活的真诚感激。
There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing that you're living in alignment with your core, with your truths.没有什么比知道你的生活与你的核心、你的真相保持一致更令人满足的了。
You don't have to spend energy hiding.你不必花费精力去隐藏。
You don't have to spend your energy doing things that make you want to block out your eyeballs.你不必花费精力去做那些让你想遮住眼睛的事情。
You know, you're going to have bad days, of course.你知道，你当然会有糟糕的日子。
You're going to struggle. Life is imperfect.你会挣扎。生活是不完美的。
It's a strange world we live in.我们生活的世界真奇怪。
But the key is to stay honest, open, compassionate and accountable so that you can find your way back.但关键在于保持诚实、开放、富有同情心和负责任，这样你才能找到回来的路。
by setting boundaries, staying true to your values, taking responsibility, being assertive,通过设定界限、忠于自己的价值观、承担责任、坚定自信。
giving yourself grace and walking away from people给自己宽容，并远离那些
and things that threaten your humanity, that threaten your balance, that threaten your wellbeing,以及那些威胁你的人性、威胁你的平衡、威胁你的福祉的事物。
you are building up self-respect points.你正在积累自尊积分。
To master it all you have to do is rinse and repeat.要掌握这一切，你只需要不断重复。
Listen, when I talk about self-love, self-respect, self-esteem, I'm not selling the lie that you don't need anybody.听着，当我谈论自爱、自尊、自信时，我并不是在兜售你不需要任何人的谎言。
I'm inviting us into a space where we can cultivate fulfilling relationships with ourselves and with other people,我在邀请我们进入一个空间，在那里我们可以培养与自己和他人的充实关系。
where we can break the cycle of self abandonment,在那里我们可以打破自我放弃的循环。
the cycle of self hate, so that we are never the reason why someone has自我憎恨的循环，这样我们就永远不会成为某人不得不
to sit through a video like this.看完这样一个视频。
Chances are you're on my channel because of somebody. Yes!很可能你是因为某个人才来到我的频道。是的！
So, limits the chances of you being the reason why someone has to do this. Okay?所以，这限制了你成为某人不得不这样做的原因的可能性。好吗？
You may not have started with you, but it can end with you if you so desire.你可能不是从你开始的，但如果你愿意，它可以由你结束。
It's never easy. You really isn't.这从来都不容易。你真的不容易。
But I hope you keep showing up for yourself that you never stop trying.但我希望你继续为自己挺身而出，永不停止尝试。
You deserve all the good things in the world.你值得世界上所有美好的事物。
All the good things life has to offer.所有生活能提供的美好事物。
As always, it's been an absolute pleasure.一如既往，这绝对是一种享受。
My name is Pearl and I'll see you in the next video.我叫珀尔，我们下个视频见。